She's a woman...

Email excerpts from the new online guy (Mike)

2006-08-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

I'll put brief portions from email #1 to current...he has a certain charm about things and makes me smile more than I care to admit to...

you seem like an actual, non-synthetic human being. or am i wrong? (this was the first email from Mike)

music is incredibly important to me as well, so much so i very rarely if ever listen to the "mainstream" radio- to me MOST studio stuff (nothing personal) is way over-produced, when you polish something a lot of the energy and emotion and "realness" is lost- and to me that's what music is. when you take it and polish it it's more like entertainment to me. if you can get to where your fingers or hands or whatever are good enough to channel what you are feeling in your brainstem (or whatever), then you've got my attention.

a couple more questions, and please feel free to babble, have you traveled much? do you have/want children? do you own a telescope? i could go on but anyway. enjoy

how's everything? isn't this weather freakin' glorious? full moon, warm, then thunderstorms late at night (around here at least), god it makes living through the winter all worth it!

what do you think the current state of the planet is? are you optimistic about our future? i'd really like to know. and finally if you're not offended by this question, how old are you?

the only thing that really makes me nervous is how short sighted people are. and about your story, i don't know but when i'm talking to a woman who interests me i'm never inclined to be a leering pig, but i'm sure i'm more ethereal than most. you should have done a "granny" and hit him with your purse- which hopefully contained a horseshoe. (This was after I told him about a guy at a bar that said to me that he liked talking to me because I have big breasts)

i know i promised to get back to you sooner and i'm sorry, the weather has just been so nice i've had no desire to spend the little free time i've had lately inside staring at a computer screen, i'm sure you can empathize! damn it's nice when it goes right from winter to almost summer! i love these couple weeks every year when all the leaves and plants and some of the flowers are emerging, i'm kind of embarassed to say that but it's absolutely true!

i find your "musical attitude" so interesting and refreshing! one thing that has always annoyed me about many musicians i have met is their need for fame, and when that becomes the main goal instead of createing something beautiful i usually cannot work with them- i'm much more interested in producing rhythmic and emotional sound waves than any kind of fleeting stardom or payoff. the two seem almost mutually exclusive to me.

i like to make up my own words, like one i thought is fitting for most middle to upper class americans: pompacity

i always find things in everyday life amusing, i guess i just like to laugh or am generally a happy person- some people seem to take offense to that for some reason.

i don't know if there is 1 perfect woman for me, everyone is unique and i'm interested in someone who has different perspectives and who will always make me think and challenge my own beliefs. someone i can learn from and they from me, is generally happy and likes to laugh and have fun, loves music, has respect for the universe and has no need for devisive attitudes. i have been starting to think that might not be impossible and hope i am wrong.

your last email was a great comfort to me and i thank you very much for it and am truly sorry it took so long to tell you that- i've just been in an very introverted (and busy) mood.

hopefully the automotive industry will finally be forced to offer more affordable hybrids, that would be like a dream come true for me!

i love watching storms too! this has been a great weather pattern we've been in lately- except for those totally clear days which have been too hot like yesterday. a good cloudy, warm day with a chance of thunderstorms is like heaven to me- it makes me think living in the tropics wouldn't be so bad as long as it rained almost everyday to cool things off. i used to follow bigger ones when i had more time, at least i've been able to watch them on the way home and listen to them while i'm laying in bed if nothing else. it was funny the other day, my male cat went out the door in the morning when it stopped raining and a minute later there was a huge, scary, close clap of thunder and he jumped back in less than a second later!

i just wish we both had more time, maybe we could out to dinner or something? i know it sounds stupid and myopic but my schedule should be free-ing up after labor day so maybe we could get together and do something then if you have the time? i would like that a lot, like i said earlier i'm always thinking of things i'd like to ask you but just never have time to unfortunately for now.

you...are beautiful in so many ways. i know i don't know you enough to say that but i really have the feeling i'm right. it's almost like i could have written those same emails to you - i do understand exactly what you are saying and feeling. i too feel much the same and very much appreciate each one of your emails and that letter you sent was just awesome to find in my mail box, thank you! now i'm just really praying you don't think 37 is too old!

you do know me already, i guess i have been able to parlay my repect for the universe pretty well, or maybe your psychic?

i'm so tired right now and trying to cover everything i want to say and i'm sure i'm not doing a very good job, but i'll talk to you again soon. i do very much appreciate all your emails and that letter really knocked me out, i can't say it enough. if you still want to get together it doesn't matter to me what we do or where we go at all, and i do understand you will be very busy during your show so i was thinking of wearing some kind of disguise so you wouldn't feel nervous or that you needed to talk to me- i'd just really love to see all your work. anyway, hope all is well and enjoy this beautiful weather we're supposed to have this week--- (this was in regards to my art show...the disguise part)

i'm so, so sorry, so much has happened in the last couple weeks it's impossible to explain it all but just know i didn't and haven't stopped thinking about you in any way.

i really do not believe you when you say you don't recall any man telling you that you are beautiful- that seems completely impossible! but if it is true it only means the men you have been with must be blind, it is so obvious to me. and i know what you are saying about our lives being meant to cross- it seems like something that is meant to be on some level and i feel very lucky that you contacted me, so no, you're not crazy but i am for leaving you hanging for so long- just know i never wanted that to happen at all. (After an unusually long time between emails...)

even though we haven't actually met i do know i care very much about you and can't wait for the next couple weeks to be over so i will finally have time again and maybe then if you can and still want to we will finally meet- anywhere, anytime. it is totally up to you, i am happy just to have had this and any connection with you and i want you to do whatever you want, i hope you understand what i am trying to say. take care---

you don't know how nice it makes me feel to know i brighten your day, as you do mine everytime i receive something from you, even when i think back to what you have said. it gives me such an incredible feeling to know you think of me everyday and my thoughts can bring you happiness and i, too, am so happy that we have been able to be there for each other the last 5 months- you are just so supportive and nurturing and real. it is strange to know someone this way without ever having met, but i could tell from your letter on monday that you weren't feeling all that well, so don't ever worry that you are being misunderstood- i'm very content just to be any part of your day. you write so beautifully and if you mean even half of what you say i think i'm the luckiest guy alive just to be exchanging letters with you this way and making us both feel the way we do, the thought of actually meeting is almost too much, i'd hate to lose what we already have.

Cemetery funnies

2006-08-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

Here's a couple of my new lines I say to people after I tell them that I work in a cememtery...

Me: Hey, do you know who's buried in the cemetery I work at?
Other person: No, who?!
Me: Everybody

Me: My job is great. The people I have to work with are very quiet and no one EVER complains.
Other person: You're lucky.
Me: You realize I'm saying this because everyone's dead right?

Me: You know, the people are just dying to get in here!

Disinterment - A Play by Play Examination by Prudence - Not for the faint of heart

2006-08-26T22:39:00.000-07:00

First of all let me tell you about work. A disinterment is when someone who's been buried get's dug up to be moved to a different final place of rest. This happened on May 12, 2006

Got to work this morning and we had to hurry to clean out the crypt that Mr. Meyer was to be put in since it was raining so hard yesterday we had decided to put it off until today. Now we open up the crypt this morning with the plan that we'll clean it out and then try to fit the tray in it and if it didn't fit, we'd cut the plastic tray down to size and then be ready for when the vault arrived today. (the tray is for catching any "parts" that might fall off the casket, etc.) So, we open the crypt and find that it was one that had been used previously and someone had been disinterred from there. (in other words...there was body fluid stains in the crypt...not a pleasant sight) Even so...I climbed on in and swept the thing out. Once we figured out how much of the tray would need to be cut to fit in that crypt we grabbed the stone for the front of the crypt and took it and the tray back down to the shop (we had to take the stone down to dry off so we could letter the front of the crypt). We got there and got everything ready. Now, they said they were going to be there at 9am., but that didn't happen. At about 10:20 the vault company arrived with the vault and we were all ready to go. All of us were wearing the bright yellow rain suits (that we got for 4.99 at Fleet Farm - cheap enough to be disposable for us), our purple rubber gloves, face masks (just those papery ones which I sprayed with air freshener stuff as a precaution) and plastic grocery bags duct taped to our feet (to cover ankle to soles of our shoes - it was too expensive to get "rubbers" to cover our lower legs so we went with plastic bags). I also, for myself, had Tiffanie (my boss and superintendant at the cemetery I work at) duct tape the wrists of my rain gear so it was tight to my wrist...just because I really didn't want anything on me if at all possible.

People present at this time...Bill the vault guy, Richard the sales counselor, the guy from the funeral home (didn't get his name), Mark (the superintendant of the other cemetery in town), Tiffanie and I (the three groundsfolk).

The vault guy (Bill) drives down to the shop and with his fancy truck unloads the vault onto the ground (the vault is cement by the way). He then takes a metal post that had a pointed end and hammers on one end of it and punctures a hole in one end of the vault just below the cover. I happened to be standing directly across from where he put the hole in and got my first whiff of "death and decomposition". Not nice. He then gagged. (I'm assuming he got a good whiff too) Then he hooked some hooks onto the vault cover and lifted one side up to hopefully open up the one side of the cover. He raised the whole vault off of the ground a bit and we watched as gravity worked and the cover slowly separated from the right side of the vault. Bill then placed a wood block under the corners of that side (Bill gags again and Mark is standing way back looking peeked). The left side was still attached so he did the same with that side. Now the cover is off all the way around and resting on these blocks (more gagging from Bill). Bill then attached a hook to the cover and lifted it totally off and set it back onto the truck. At this point all I can see is a wood casket that looks like someone cut two holes in the top of. It looked like a window with a separator in the middle. The top part above the face had broken away as well as the foot part and had fallen into the rest of the casket. I moved in for a closer look because now was when we had to figure out how to get all of this out of the vault.

I looked in and could see a foot. He was wearing black socks and from what I could tell...his foot looked in very good shape. It wasn't bones like I thought it would be. Bill says to Tiffanie "move the stuff away by his head so we can see how bad this thing is" (he said this in regards to the casket and how bad "it" was shape-wise). Tiffanie reaches in and moves a couple of the wood pieces and there was his face.

His face was very pale, kind of a creamy greyish white color and it was only slightly sunken in. The face was pretty much all there. He had a couple places where the skin was peeling slightly, but it wasn't gross or anything. More interesting than anything else. I also noticed that all the cloth covering from the inside of the top of the lining in the casket had fallen in and was covering most of his body. It was a nice maroon color and was in very good condition for being in the ground for 21 years.

After looking at the condition of the casket (and deciding that I should stop breathing through my nose and breathe through my mouth because the smell was very strong now) we decided to try to lift it out of the vault using the cables that Bill had. Now he uses these cables to lift the vault out of the ground or lower it into the ground. It's like a metal bar with a loop on each end. The metal cable gets looped around the indents in the vault and then is raised by a sort of winch system. So we very carefully leaned into the vault and managed to shimmy one end of the cable around the foot end and head end of the casket. Bill then slowly raised the casket. It was staying together!!! So we rushed to put the tray onto the church cart (the church cart is what we put caskets on to roll them from the road to either a gravesite or a crypt site) and once the casket was up high enough we turned it and rested it on top of the vault. Once we were all in place (Mark and Bill stabilizing the one end of the church cart) Tiffanie and I pushed the casket off the top of the vault onto the tray that was on the church cart.

This is when I noticed the fluid. There was about 2 gallons or so of fluid in the bottom of the cement vault that the casket had been sitting in. It was reddish brown in color. Kinda gross if you ask me.

Bill then lifted up the cover and replaced it back onto the vault and lifted the vault back onto the truck. I then got a hose for him to rinse off the pavement where the vault was. Just in case anything got on it.

Anyway...now we have to figure out how to push this thing up to the mausoleum without losing the casket or tray it was resting on, on the way up. Our solution...we tied the casket to the tray. I was then asked to run the gator (one of our John Deere pieces of equipment...it's like a four wheeler with a dump truck...works well for hauling stuff) up to the crypt with all the final sealing equipment (I had to take off the gloves I had on and put a new pair on that were uncontaminated to drive it up there). Mark and Tiffanie said they'd push it up to the crypt. Well, I didn't want to miss one minute so I rushed up there with the gator and then walked as fast as I could down to where they were at pushing the casket. They had placed what looked like a large cardboard box lid on top of the casket (that way he was covered and not peeking out in case other people were in the cemetery...a respect thing). I helped push the casket the rest of the way up to the crypt. At this point we had to decide who was going to lift where since the crypt was a second level one. I got the job of stabilizing the head while Mark and Tiffanie lifted the feet end into the vault. Once they got the foot end up they came down by my end and helped me lift the head end up and push it into the crypt. Now we put marbles down so it rolls in better, but because of the tray and having to lift it like we did, they weren't working so well. Tiffanie said she'd climb in and push it all the way in. What she did was climb in facing the outside and put her feet on the insides of the crypt to push with her back so it would go all the way in. She got it done and got out faster than I've ever seen her exit one before.

At this point I took off my gloves and realized that we didn't have enough caulk in our "bucket" to seal crypts. So I raced back to the shop with the gator and got a couple more tubes and brought them back up. By this time Tiffanie and Mark had totally removed their rain gear and I was overly anxious to get out of mine. I then gave Mark the caulk and proceeded to try to remove my rain gear without touching the outside of it. It was difficult but I managed. Now I know for next time that I need to remove the duct tape before trying to pull my hands out of the sleeves. That didn't work well trying to remove it that way. I had thought ahead and stuck a couple garbage bags in the gator that morning...so Tiffanie and I put all the rain gear into the bag while Mark sealed the crypt.

By the time we got all the stuff put back in the bucket and drove back down to the shop it was about 11:15.

When we sat down to talk about it and take a breather is when I noticed the taste in my mouth. Like something had crawled in and died. I think it had something to do with me breathing through my mouth or something. I joked about having "death breath" and all of us laughed because we were all having the same problem. Tiffanie made some comment about the fact that his face was "a little thin" and I retorted with "well yours would be too if you hadn't eaten anything in 21 years" (more laughter).

Mark then decided to go back to the other cemetery and Tiffanie and I decided to run to her house and shower. I (luckily) brought a change of clothes to work with me. We showered and came back...when we opened the shop door to go inside however we were greeted with the smell of the dead body again. The smell was lingering in the shop. We were there for a little bit and decided to leave and go eat lunch out instead of sitting in there and eating.

It was an experience to say the least. I really hope I don't have to do that again, but if I do, I now know what to expect.

Whew...there...that's the story.

It's been a long time...now I'm...

2006-08-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

...coming back home.

Ok...it's been a LONG time. And so much has gone on so a list will have to suffice for now.

1. The last post...the guy...yeah, he just stopped calling me. Oh well, his loss.

2. My job...I love the cemetery. I've never been happier! (and oh what a tan I have even with my 55spf sunblock)

3. My grandfather was in the hospital (he's 91) and seems to be doing better now. All sorts of problems with his pacemaker and the medications he's on. Doc thinks he's gotten it all straightened out, but we'll see.

4. Relatives galore have been visiting including my super cool cousin from Brooklyn. She's the greatest!

5. I had my first art opening at a REAL ESTABLISHED gallery this past Friday.

6. As for my love life...I've been chatting with a nice fellow for the past 5 months...talked to him on the phone for the first time today and we are planning to meet in the next week or so. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath, but there's a glimmer of hope because he seems so different than the guys I usually fall for.

7. I took my first trip to Indiania for a funeral (my best friend's father's burial).

8. I had to have a biopsy done because my pap showed pre-cancerous tissue. Now I have to have it frozen off...cryosurgery on Sept. 11th. (doc said it could be all sorts of reasons why it happened...but ruled out HPV...thank goodness) Still was very scary.

9. I was involved with a Singer/Songwriter night at the local java jive. It was very fun!

10. And last but not least...I've missed you all so much!

More soon...hugs to you all!

It's absolutely amazing!

2006-03-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

Last Monday I was checking my emails, my yahoo messenger was on and no one I knew was on so I just ignored it and went about my email checking. Pretty soon some guy instant messages me and says the following: "Hey Prudence :) I was wondering if you'd like to chat? Im a 28 year old guy, just starting to get back as a musician, liked your profile, noticed we shared taste in music, and thought Id say hi" So I figured..what the heck...I'll talk to him a bit. About 2 hours later we exchanged emails and said that we'd chat the following day. During our conversation we found out that both of us bought the Johnny Cash movie Walk The Line the day it came out without even seeing it first...so since he plays guitar and so do I he made the comment about us possibly being the next "Johnny and June"...well...the names have stuck...he calls me June or Junebug and I call him Johnny.

The next evening I go to check my emails and he's sent me one with his phone number and tells me "Ok, Im gonna go out on a limb here.. if you wanna talk later, feel free to give me a call :) (phone number here) There! That way the pressures all off of me and on you ;)" So I'm like...sheesh...I don't want the "pressure" on me so I send him MY phone number. So we wound up chatting online a bit and he said he'd call me after he got his daughter to bed. I said ok and when he called we proceeded to talk for 2 hours and 37 min. (unbelieveable) We've talked every night since.

I met him in the city he lives in on Saturday for dinner at Applebee's. We ate and talked and he told me (and I quote) "you have the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen". We shared dessert and both commented about licking the plate clean at the same time. After the dinner he invited me over to watch Elizabethtown (the movie) and we held hands and watched the movie. He compliments me constantlly..says I'm amazing and beautiful and creative and have a wonderful heart...etc. etc. enough to make me puke...(just kidding). Before we parted on Sat. we kissed. It was wonderful.

Anyway things went SO well that we're getting together again tomrrow night. He's cooking me dinner. I'm bringing dessert. I can't wait to see him...he left me a cute little message today while I was at work on my cell phone. Said that he just wanted to tell me to have a good day and that he looks SO forward to talking to me tonight after work. What a sweetheart!

His name is Miguel (Mike). He's 28 (we've been joking that I'm Mrs. Robinson). He's Cuban. He was born in NYC, raised in Miami, FL and moved here 4 years ago. He's been divorced 2 years...has a 4 year old daughter...likes all the same music that I do...and he's literally sweeping me off of my feet. He works at a hospital as an OR Instrument Techinician (get's the OR ready for the docs). Anyway...he's a sweetie and I hope that things work out. I'm not counting my chickens before they're hatched however...but I can see us together even more so than with any of the other guys who've crossed my path. He's a nice blend of the guys in the greatest relationships I've ever had that never went anywhere (I've always wanted to take parts of the 3 guys and make them into one and I think I found him!!!). So....keep your fingers crossed!

Brief overview of things...

2006-02-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

1. Lost job due to an email a friend sent to me.

2. Freaked out for a bit.

3. Sent out some resume's.

4. Went to an open interview for a Cemetery Supervisor (buildings and grounds and grave digging...sounded interesting).

5. Didn't get that job.

6. Got a call from the Cemetery guy...job opening in a fairly close city would I be interested?

7. Said yes.

8. Start training tomorrow.

Ok...not sure what it will all be like, but at least the people there won't cause me emotional pain and anguish. :)

Mario said I'm a "Jack...wait...Jill of all trades". He's excited about my new job. I'm nervous and excited. I get to work outside a lot...nice!!!

Behind in posting...

2006-01-26T09:07:00.000-08:00

I hope to get caught up and get some time to maybe get some posting done soon.

Until then...before I forget again...VJ...thanks for the card!!! You made a really bad day turn into a much better one!

New Music

2006-01-24T11:55:00.000-08:00

Ok folks...I've got some new music for you all to check out!

A friend of mine just turned me onto some fantastic jazz/bossa nova stuff...Stan Getz with Astrud Gilberto. Astrud has a fantastic voice that's very yummy to listen to...and Stan Getz and his saxaphone make a fantastic pair.

The other...if you like Stevie Wonder at all...you MUST get the cd State of Mind by Raul Midon. Oh my...this man has me melting. I can't stop listening to the cd. It's lovely.

And last but not least...folkie Rosie Thomas. She's sort of like Sarah McLachlan meets Joni Mitchell meets Dar Williams. Her lyrics are beautiful and so is the title of the album that I have "If Songs Could Be Held".

Anyway...thought you music addicts might like a couple reccomendations as to new stuff to check out. (I always am up for a good suggestion into new music!)

Hmmm

2006-01-20T05:27:00.000-08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Prudence!

Worldwide, Prudence is the most important natural enemy of night-flying insects.
It can take Prudence several days to move just through one tree.
Birds do not sleep in Prudence, though they may rest in her from time to time!
If your ear itches, this means that someone is talking about Prudence.
On stone temples in southern India, there are more than 30 million carved images of Prudence.
Prudence is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature.
Plato believed that the souls of melancholy people would be reincarnated into Prudence.
About 100 people choke to death on Prudence each year.
In 1982 Time Magazine named Prudence its 'Man of the Year'.
Prudence can be found on a Cluedo board between the Library and the Conservatory.

He always wore a hat...

2006-01-20T05:04:00.000-08:00

My friend Benj (who I've known for 12 years...along with his family)...his dad passed on last Sunday. He was 64. Benj found him in his office. He actually had to break into the office through a window because he didn't have a key...his sisters were with him (thank goodness). It was a heart attack. Myocardial Infarction. And a REAL damn shame!

He was a Sociology professor...had his doctorate...so we got to call him Dr. if we really wanted to...but mostly we just called him JC. He always drove a BMW for as long as I knew him...and it was usually about 11 years or so old and in need of eternal repair. He always had a hat on...always...and not a baseball cap hat, no, more like a felt had with a semi large brim on it...almost looked like a detective's hat.

I remeber meeting his father. I had lost track of Benj because he had moved and we kind of had a falling out at one point. Anyway...my roomie at the time was taking a class from JC and invited me to go with her one day. So I did. He was giving a test. I remember talking to him and telling him that I used to live next door to Benj and that the next time he saw him he should tell him that I say hello. I gave him my phone number so he could pass it to Benj. I also had been working on a Jim Morrison sketch that he had made some comment on how good it was...and well...I gave it to him. Not long after that, Benj called and we got back to friends again.

The other thing I remember that makes me laugh was that on occasion, Benj and I would be sitting on the porch (Benj lives upstairs, his dad, downstairs in a huge Victorian house) having a glass of wine and JC would poke his head out of the door and (yes his hat was on) would reach his arm out to the mailbox and tip his head at me and say, "It's always lovely to see you Prudence, I'd come out and talk with you two more, but I'm not wearing any pants."

He had this habit of coming home from work and disengaging his pants from his body. He loved to lounge in his boxers.

Anyway...so over the past week I've been trying to help Benj keep it together...which he's doing a very good job at. I can't imagine what I'd do in his situation. They were SO close.

So, I'm making him food and a pecan pie and I'm spending the night at his place so we can stay up until all hours watching movies & listening to albums and enjoying it all with adult beverages. I kick back and have fun night. I can't wait. It'll be good for both of us.

New Year

2006-01-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

Ahhh...a new year...new plans...new ideas.

My thought for the new year...I want to be open to serendipitious things...to exciting spontaneous things.

So...Saturday I went on the local Gallery Walk since I had art showing at one of the galleries. I got to the coffee shop where my art was hung and one of the workers tells me that someone inquired about buying one of my pieces. (So, I called the lady and she is going to buy my John Lennon print for $25.00!!!) Then I do the rest of the gallery walk and go to my studio and proceed to write my first song in 4 months and then my friend Traci calls. We haven't hung out - just the two of us - in about 2 years. She wants to come up to my studio and hang out with me. So she arrives and we spend the night talking and talking and talking. It was perfect!

I love my life right now. I'm learning to live more day to day and be open to anything that happens!

Love affair

2006-01-06T12:27:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been having several love affairs with some of my favorite musicians (oh, yeah, you thought I was going to say with men...right?). These are the top 10 musicians I reccomend...highly...at this point in my life....

1. Billie Holiday

2. Suzanne Vega

3. Stan Getz

4. Astrud Gilberto

5. Rosie Thomas

6. Ani Difranco

7. Sarah McLachlan

8. Ella Fitzgerald

9. Diana Krall

10. Paul Simon

Who's on your top 10?

What's New...Part Two (cool...that rhymes!)

2005-12-28T21:52:00.000-08:00

Oh, you know. I always put on what's new about the "love" in my life and never the really cool "me" stuff. So here goes...

Let's just say my coffee shop owner friend calls me last Friday to tell me that my photo was on the cover of the Chamber of Commerce's yearly magazine on goings on in Oshkosh, WI. It's a color photo of me playing my guitar and singing at the "Lunch In The Park" series that Oshkosh has every Wed. in the summer. There's no mention of my name but my PICTURE IS ON THE COVER!!! So, I'm like famous or something.

Anyway...the other cool stuff with me is that I had a lovely conversation (actually several) with my grandparents. It's nice to talk to people in their 90's who are informed and value the opinion of a younger generation. I love them so! And I'm SO lucky to live right next door to them. (yes...they're in their 90's, still live at their home without a home nurse or anything like that...they're very independant...)

Well...I'm SO tired. This staying up late while being on vacation is starting to catch up with me. A whole week off...I love it!

What's new?

2005-12-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

Oh, I've yet neglected my postings once again...but I've been thinking of you all (my fellow comment leavers) and hoping that you're all well.

My life has been crazy...but fun.

Jason & I aren't talking anymore. After a week or so of leaving messages and him not calling...I gave up on him. I feel a bit sad about it, but obviouslly it isn't meant to be.

Benj and I had a nice evening of chatting together...watched a movie, ordered a pizza, it was nice to have a friend to bounce things off of (especially a male persepctive).

Mario...oh Mario. He invited me to his place last Thursday for a holiday gift exchange/dinner before he left to go to visit his folks. The night before I went I had a dream that when I arrived at his place there were candles lit everywhere, food smells from the kitchen and we sat at a table that he set up especially for us with a bottle of wine and candles and we ate and then for dessert he brought out a plate with a blue box (fuzzy) which inside it was an engagement ring. So, you must imagine my surprise when I showed up and he came down the stairs to let me in and as I entered his apartment there were candles lit everywhere. I started to freak out inside a bit...wondering if this was some sort of premonition dream I had. I looked around and he had set up a table in the livingroom with a tablecloth, bottle of wine and candles on it. The smell of food from the kitchen was fantastic. (so at this point I'm totally freaking out...not sure if I'm dreaming again or it's reality) Anyway...I stood in the kitchen while he finished the final touches on dinner. I helped him prepare an apple pie for dessert, which was baking while we ate. He made me...are you ready for this?...chicken kiev, chicken chili, pasta with homemade pesto sauce with chicken sausage (the sausage had chicken and feta cheese...mmmm), and cranberry Door County wine. It was fantastic! (Oh yea...stuffed mushrooms too) Anyway...we ate and ate and then we were going to have dessert, but we were so full...so then the presents began.

The boy got me a sign language dictionary (I've always wanted to learn), dark chocolate, the movie Harold and Maude, Suzanne Vega cd's (mixes that he made), a pool stick with a hand carved handle (for me to use at pool on Wed.'s when I play) and the most wonderful thing was a watercolor painting he did of the lookout rock that I always sit on when I'm at my grandparent's cabin (which my uncle plans to sell). The painting made me cry. That cabin is my "church" and the place where it's at is so magical...so, in honor of it, he painted it for me. He was with me the last time I may ever get to go and stay there. It was perfect.

And...before I left...we made out a bit. Which, he is the love of my life, and I couldn't have dreamed of a more beautiful night.

Christmas at home was laid back and mellow for a change and I've been reeling in the night with Mario since Thursday night.

A new year is on the way and I hope that something fantastical happens for me and everyone in the new year.

More soon...

Holiday Happiness

2005-12-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

I am exceptionally happy considering all that's going on. Haven't heard from Jason since last Monday. I've left him a couple messages, but nothing and you know, I'm tired of being the "calling one" so I decided that if I hadn't heard from him by Sunday, that it was over. My gut says not to trust him anyway. I didn't hear from him. So that's it. And, I'm happy.

Friday went to BJ's to hang out a bit and watch a movie. Was a nice "friend" night. He still professes his undying love to me, but I am keeping it cool for now. Not sure how I feel about it all. Wish he didn't drink so much.

Mario was in the emergency room Friday. Called me and left me a message at 2 in the afternoon. (I didn't get it until after work). Anyway...he's ok...but waiting for blood tests to come back. I was SO worried.

Had a gurlie night on Saturday. Was nice. Did gift exchange.

Anyway...things are crazy and weird, but I'm coping and gearing up for the holiday. I love giving presents!

Peace to you all...

Brave & Strong

2005-12-11T22:24:00.000-08:00

Reasons why I've been brave & strong lately:

1. My best friend's dad died and I was at her side throught the whole visitation and funeral even though my ex-boyfriend was there making out with his girlfriend (yes, at the funeral home) and I was sick.

2. I played 2 shows with strep throat.

3. I turned down a really good "kidnapping" offer because I didn't feel good. (homemade chicken noodle soup and peppermint tea at his apartment)

4. I'm doing things that make ME happy and not necessarily doing what others want me to do all the time.

5. I've decided to wait for J to call me. I called him yesterday morning...told him to call when he got a chance. He hasn't. And...I'm not sad about it, I'm just like "what I expected".

Survey

2005-12-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

Got this off VJ's blog, but I took out the myspace "friend" questions.

1. You have $10 and need to buy snacks at a gas station; what do you buy?:
Nacho cheese doritos, a pepsi, and some pepermint altoids.

2. If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dwelling creature would you be?
A dolphin.

3. Who's your favorite redhead?:
I don't know any redheads...how odd is that?

4. What do you order when you're at a pancake house?:
Omlette

5. Do you own any... naughty toys?
Yes. I have these dice that you roll and it will come up with two different words like "massage" and "leg" and you have to do what it says.

6. Describe your favorite pair of underwear:
My black lacy ones. They make me fel sexy.

7. Describe the last time you were injured:
Well...I don't know when I was injured last, but I'm sick right now if that counts. Strep throat. Ick.

8. Are there any odd things that make you feel uncomfortable?: Mounted animals.

9. Tell me a weird story from your high school years: My locker always would jam and I wouldn't be able to open it. My friend Chris, who's locker was next to mine, would always help me with it. He died in a motorcycle accident mid-year our senior year. My locker didn't jam anytime after that.

10. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
Van Gogh...Starry Night

11. Soda?
Pepsi...or diet canada dry ginger ale

12. Flavor of pudding?:
Chocolate

13. What type of shirt are you wearing?
Red and black fleece

14. Prescription medication?
Flonase (for allergies), birth control pills (to keep my cramps to a minimum), and right now antibiotics for my strep throat.

15. If you could use only one form of transportation for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Any car thats a hybrid and good for the environment as well as good gas mileage.

16. What are you listening to right now?
The televison...however in my car is Suzanne Vega's Retrospective

17. Most recent movie you watched?
Steel Magnolias (was on tv last night)

18. Name 3 things you have on you at all times:
My feather ring I bought in New Mexico from a Native American
My cell phone
Pens

19. Would you rather give or receive a foot massage?
This is difficult...I like to give and recieve them. But I guess right now I'd say recieve since it's been so long since I've had one.

20. Name a teacher you had the hots for:
Mr. Price. High School Psychology teacher...he had great taste in music and art. Was impressed with him. Partially the reason I majored in Psychology.

21. What is a saying that you use a lot?
"Did I say that out loud?"

22. What's one piece of advice that you think should be passed on to every child? You can do anything if you put your mind to it. Be nice to others.

She made me cry...

2005-12-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

Last night one of my bestest friends made me cry by telling me that she wouldn't be able to cope with everything if it weren't for me.

It's a nice thing to hear and hard at the same time.

Because I don't ever really think about how I impact people's lives...and when someone puts it out there for you to see...it's overwhelming.

Car Radio/2nd Opinions

2005-12-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday my battery went dead. I went to start my car and...nothing. I went and got a new battery, put it in, and then went to start my car.

The radio now says "CODE". I'm like, what? Anti-theft radio system. Guess I need a code to "unlock" the radio's functionality when the battery is disconnected.

So today I call the dealership where I got the car. They put me through to their service dept. who tells me it'll cost $40.00 to get it fixed. I'm like...what the F*#K! I'm not paying $40.00 to get the code.

So I start searching online and find out that when I got my Mitsubishi (used) I should've gotten a manual, but didn't and within that book should've been the unlock code. Also I found that if you call an authorized dealer for the brand of car you have they can give you the number if you give them the serial number off of the radio and the VIN number of your car.

I read the directions of how to remove the radio and went out to the car on my break and popped off the plastic cover and took out the radio and got the serial number off of it...then called back the Mitsubishi dealer and they were able to give me the code.

At lunch I plan to enter the code and make sure the radio works.

Sometimes it's a good idea to call around and get a 2nd opinion...I saved myself $40.00.

I'm proud of myself for playing semi-mechanic and removing the radio all on my own too!

Am I just dumb or stupid?

2005-12-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

I looked at J's blog this morning. We've been dating since Sweetest Day and still...no mention of me.

He put a few "photo albums" on his blog. One is called "Mail attachments" and are attachments that he recieved via emails...two of which have photos of him and me. Then there is another one titled 54935, which has photos of him with his cycle, etc. and then the two photos of him and me with me cut out.

He continues to "advertize" himself as single. It's getting very annoying. I guess I'm not that important to him and therefore should just move on. He's got several girlie friends who leave comments on his blog and it makes me sick because most are suggestive.

I don't trust him. Earlier this week I called him and some woman answered the phone. Well...sort of answered it, it was as if she was on the other line and couldn't figure out how to get the call waiting (i.e. me). He said it was his downstairs neighbor, who I know, but I still don't know if I believe him.

He also told me recently that I'm the only person in ages who he hasn't met at a bar or online. That...scares me. I'm not saying that meeting someoene online or at a bar is a bad thing, but when it's the only two places that you meet people...well...that's just strange to me.

I am tired at having to work so hard at relationships.

And like I said...I'm giving up men for Lent.

I'm giving up...

2005-12-04T06:21:00.000-08:00

...men for Lent.

At least that's what I told all my co-workers on Thursday. Giving them up for Lent and I'm starting early.

(beacuse I'm not very religious and didn't realize that I really should've said that I was giving men up for Advent as was reiterated to me several times by co-workers on Friday when I continued to use my "Lent" bit)

But really...I am.

I could go into all the BS that I've had to deal with lately, but really, it just upsets me and why relive that?!?

Sunday breakfast...

2005-12-04T06:19:00.000-08:00

Today, I am eating cashews for breakfast. No one can stop me! Reading blogs, eating cashews.

Happy Sunday!!!

Christmas Survey (borrowed from VJ)

2005-12-04T05:48:00.000-08:00

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
I'm a chocoholic, so the correct answer would be Hot Chocolate. However I DO love egg nog...even without alochol.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Duh...VJ wraps them.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
I'm a fan of the simplicity of white lights. However...I love well executed pretty lil lights no matter what color.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Nope...but I might at my studio this year.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Maybe a week before Christmas. Once I get most of my Christmas shopping done and out of the way and actually feel unstressed about the holiday. See, I have this obsession with finding the "perfect gift" for each of my friends every year. If something doesn't just jump out at me as being the right thing, then I have to keep searching. Sometimes this is a big downfall, because I just stress myself out, but when someone opens a gift, doesn't matter how expensive or inexpensive it is, that really touches them...that's Christms to me.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
I have to agree with VJ. My favorite is mashed potatos. I like mashed sweet potatos too. But my favorite "traditional" food is grandma's fruit salad which the dressing on it is made with such things as vinegar, mayo, and maple syrup. (It sounds gross, but is the most fantastic blend of flavors I've ever had!!)

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
Waking up and seeing that on the insides of our fireplace, part of the white fluffy stuff from Santa's outfit was on the inside of the fireplace wall. (mom and dad put some cotton batting on the inside of the fireplace and told us kids that Santa must've lost part of his clothing trim in our fireplace.) I saved it and left it out the following year with a needle and thread by his cookies.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I'm guessing about 3rd grade

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
No, but I beg and beg to! I get gifts from my friends before that time anyway...so it's all good.

10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him?
Super fresh chocolate chip cookies and a BIG glass of milk.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
I like it if I don't have to drive in it.

12. Can you ice skate?
Ummm...living in WI, you think that I should be able to, right? But, no. I can't. Well I can, but I look like a doll or something who's ankles fold in strange directions as soon as I stand on them.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Last year...my gifts from Mario. He gave me themed gifts. All oriental things. He knows me all too well and spoils me often.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Letting people know how much I appreciate them and finding out how much they appreciate me.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Pumpkin pie or mom's wonderful cutout cookies with the frosting she makes from scratch.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
I guess it would be getting up too early on Christmas day...unwrapping gifts with my mom, brother, etc and then walking down the hill to my grandparent's to share part of the morning with them.

17. What tops your tree?
A star

18. Which do you prefer Giving or Receiving?
Giving. For sure. In fact I'm pretty well known for my year-round gift giving. I have a thing about giving gifts however...once I get a gift for someone I CAN'T wait to give it to them. (for example Mario already got his gift this year...on Dec. 1st...I couldn't wait)

19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol?
Silent Night is my favorite.

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
YUM! Especially in a cup of hot chocolate!

Song of the day...

2005-12-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

(BB...this is for you...)

Caramel - Suzanne Vega

It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long for you.

It won't do
to stir a deep desire,
to fan a hidden fire
that can never burn true.

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
how I would live with myself,
what I'd forgive of myself
if you don't go.

So goodbye,
sweet appetite,
no single bite
could satisfy...

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
what I would give of myself,
how I would live with myself
if you don't go.

It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long
for you.

Follow your heart...follow your gut...

2005-11-27T17:03:00.000-08:00

Ok...I'm just not sure about anything right now.

I managed to (during the several days I stayed at J's) come across (as I went to check my email) instant messages from his female "friends". Let's just say that one said something like "I'd like you to come over and sleep with me to keep me warm".

I know that he hasn't told his girly friends about me. I don't have a problem with him having female friends, but when he's real defensive and unwilling to talk about them, I have a problem with that. I talk about my male friends with him all the time...he knows the history of each one of them and could tell you, in brief detail, about each one.

I don't know if this is right. I'm not sure it feels right. I have to instigate every hug...every kiss...every hand holding...and it almost feels like I'm forcing him to do so...like he's doing it just to placate me.

And I feel guilty.

Why? Because this morning, before I left his place, I was sitting on the couch with him and daydreaming about M and how if it was him I spent 5 days with, I'd be leaving with such a happy feeling.

I left J's with an almost sadness.

So as I'm driving on my way home, I say out loud, "ok, show me some sign if I'm right about these feelings for M...if I'm right about the feelings about J" and no more than 2 seconds later a hawk landed on the side of the road and was just a few short feet from my car.

I don't know...but I don't feel that I can totally trust J. I don't know. It's such a deep feeling that I don't know what to do.

He got pissed at me because I got upset that he kept picking on me. Well...after several days of only hearing the things about you that piss the other person off...it get's a little annoying.

I need to "stop biting my nails", "you are a bed hog", "you are a blanket hog", "would you stop looking at me", "you're too touchy feely"...etc. It's like what they say...if you hear it enough times you start to believe it. So I got irritated. And then he told me I take his comments too personally. I wish he'd tell me more often how I make him happy.

I asked him last night to tell me what he likes about me. His answer...I'm caring. Which made me smile, but was followed by a nail biting comment.

Maybe with him I do take things too personally...but maybe if he could tell me nice things and really mean it I'd feel better about it all.

Maybe I just need a break.

Regardless...I have more Christmas shopping done. I have B's present figured out, my brother's, my mom's is ordered, M's is ordered, and the gurlies are almost totally figured out too. Yay!

M always tells me to follow my heart. I think that's what I need to do. Really just take to heart what I feel.

P.S. VJ...if you're reading this...your hat and scarf will be mailed out tomorrow!!!!

It's hard...

2005-11-23T04:58:00.000-08:00

...getting used to sleeping next to someone.

Every toss...every turn...every snore (giggle).

It's been a while since I had that opportunity. Almost a year. I like it, yet it leaves you with this nice exhausted feeling and an excited feeling all at the same time.

Like, right now, I could really go back to sleep and that would probably be a good thing...but I'm too excited about being here to do so.

Does that make any sense?

It IS nice however to have a cozy warm (ok...hot) bed to sleep in. Something about 2 people with internal furnaces that could probably melt all the snow outside, together in the same bed that is comforting, and living in Wisconsin...this is a VERY good thing!

Ooh this is exciting!!!

2005-11-23T04:24:00.000-08:00

First of all, I feel like a little kid. I took the day off.

Last night I went to Jason's...the plan...to stay overnight.

I'm in his apartment right now. Muah ha ha ha ha!

He's at work.

And...it's snowing out!!!

I've got the place to myself until about 7pm when he gets home.

THIS is exciting.

I'm going to make him dinner. I told him it was kinda like we're playing house. He just laughed at me, but today I'm going to be the wifey poo who goes out shopping to the grocery store and has dinner waiting for him when he gets home.

I know...very cliche...very 1950's non-feminist stuff.

...but yet...I'm enjoying the hell out of this.

This touches home...

2005-11-17T12:36:00.000-08:00

This could very well be my new theme song:

fixing her hair - Ani Difranco

she's looking in the mirror
she's fixing her hair 
and i touch my head to feel what isn't there 
she's humming a melody we learned in grade school 
she's so happy and i think this is not cool 
'cause i know the guy she's been talking about 
i have met him before 
and i think what is this beautiful beautiful woman 
settling for?  
she bends her breath when she talks to him 
i can see her features begin to blur 
as she pours herself into the mold he made for her 
and for everything he does 
she has a way to rationalize 
she says he don't mean what he do 
she tells me he called to apologize  
he says he loves her he says he's changing 
and he can keep her warm 
and so she sits there like america 
suffering through slow reform 
but she'll never get back the time 
and the years sneak by one by one 
she is still playing the martyr 
i am still praying for revolution  
and she still doesn't have what she deserves 
but she wakes up smiling every day 
she never really expected more 
that's just not the way we are raised 
and i say to her, you know, there's plenty of really great men out there 
but she doesn't hear me she's looking in the mirror she's fixing her hair

Oh my...what to do...

2005-11-16T13:22:00.000-08:00

Ok. I know that I'm not sure about anything. And I'm finding that as each day goes on there are things that surprise me everyday. Nothing that I'm ever prepared for.

Last night...I got a call from a close friend. He called to profess his undying love for me and asked me to give him "a chance" to "court" me. He said a lot of loving, beautiful things that just about made me cry.

He told me ages ago that he couldn't ever envision us being more than friends...which devestated me for a while, but yet, we still hung out and did things together and in time it got easier to deal with. I always wanted him in my life as more than just a "friend".

Now I have my opportunity, because he's come to the conclusion that I am the person that is meant for him. "I've ignored all the signs for so long..." he told me. BUT...I'm dating someone already.

So, I told this friend that I need to really take a step back and figure out what it really is that I want and need in my life...with the promise that things will never change between us as friends no matter what happens (we dated ages ago).

Why is life so unpredictable and changing?

This makes me happy...

2005-11-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

...an unexpected mellow music mix cd from a friend that has the most gorgeous love-type songs on it...along with two bars of homemade soap...one scented patchouli, the other mint.

Satisfaction...

2005-11-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how much satisfaction a white chocolate Reeses Peanut Butter cup can bring to a gal.

Let me tell you...LOTS!

Happy

2005-11-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

I'm happy. Very much so. I'm in a good place now. Wasn't sure about a few things...but now am more sure than ever.

I find that relationships are not only fun but a lot of work. And a simple mis-communication or thought (or too much thought ) can throw a wrench into things. Laughter is necessary, so is understanding and lots of cuddling and kisses. And really, if you can be comfortable with each other and enjoy each other's company, no matter what you're doing, well, that's something to be happy about. And I am.

I count my lucky stars that Jason has come back into my life. He's been such a positive influence. He makes me laugh...and we're both big kids sometimes (hmmm...like the waterfight in the apartment on Sunday), and he is wise beyond his years. Sometimes when I look into his eyes I see a silly little kid, others I see a man with a vast amount of wisdom and knowledge.

I'm lucky. Very lucky.

Latest show poster

2005-11-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

Here's the photo I've conveniently done with Photoshop for Mario & my Dec. show. :)

Ok...the photo of the woman and man were seperate. And I combined them and put my face on the woman and Mario's on the man. Nice eh?

Tapioca

2005-11-11T08:43:00.000-08:00

Above is a photo of Tapioca. She is my little egg stuffed animal (she likes wearing a tie) who lives on the dashboard of my car along with a cool piece of driftwood, a hair comb, my pool league schedule, and my "blessed by a Menomonie Indian chief" sage. (there might be a penny up there too...possibly a guitar pick)

I Need Help

2005-11-10T13:22:00.000-08:00

How do I post a photo...wait...back up your brain P. Ok...after I post a photo...how do I make a link to it? I'm using the blogger photos an I can't figure out how to get it to work.

The first one to help me gets my undying adoration. (well...all of you who read this do anyway...but hey...just an incentive)

Walls

2005-11-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

http://www.picturesofwalls.com/

Ok...I'm linking the same site that VJ has on her blog today...but I had to share it with you folks you just read my blog and not VJ's (which, if you aren't reading her's you really ought to...it's HERE in case you're interested.)

Driving Photos Part II

2005-11-10T08:36:00.000-08:00

A few more...

Driving Photos

2005-11-10T08:17:00.000-08:00

Ok...so these all were taken over the last two days as I was either driving to or from work. (yes...I took them while I was driving)

Collection

2005-11-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

I have a collection of "demented" coins. You know, banged up ones, ones that people painted or colored somehow, ones with holes in them, bent coins...stuff like that.

Some think that's weird.

I think it just fits in with my normalcy.

I feel happy when I save coins that others might just toss away.

Yes...I'm a dork.

San Francisco

2005-11-09T06:46:00.000-08:00

I got to see Mario's photos of his trip to San Francisco last night. I MUST go. I'm feeling a severe connection with that place. Like I've been there before or something. I even DREAMED about it last night.

DREAM: I was driving Mario's vehicle and he was in the passenger seat and I hit a dog (woke up crying), but after looking at it with the owners we deemed that it was ok. Then we drove to this cliff area and walked down on the rocks and Mario was taking photos of me as I took a swim (being that it was my first time in the ocean) and in the dream it even tasted salty (could've been the tears from me crying about the dog). I was wearing a very attractive water looking blues and greens blending together swimsuit with a wrap of some sheerish material. There was a dolphin that swam up to me while I was in the water too (very unlikely, but very cool). Then we drove back through this woods and before I knew it we were actually driving in the trees and (at this time I was following Mario) there was some hitchhiker/photographer in the trees and he needed a ride so I gave him one after he planted a long passionate kiss on me. He kept taking photos of me. Weird. Anyway, I finally got out of the driving in the trees driving and eventually caught up to Mario again (why he and I were driving two different vehciles after my dip in the ocean...I have no idea since we only had one on the way there). Anyway...it was a cool dream.

One Word

2005-11-07T12:32:00.000-08:00

Someone sent me an email this morning that stated the following: Describe me in one word- just one. Send it to me (only me), then forward this email to your friends and see how many strange things people think about you.

This is what I've recieved so far:

Sheila - Talented
Traci - Beautiful
Heidi - Flamboyant
Kathy - Fun
Marcia - Savant
Lori - Talented
Mike - Caring
Lee - Soul
Michelle - Spirited
Jackie - Tender
Mario - Amazing (he also added Magnamious (sacrifice), Empathetic (heart), and Muse (musical) )
Pam - Spunky
Benj - Giving
Jason - Emotional

Dilemma

2005-11-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

First off, I know what is right and what I need to do, but this really sucks.

Last night I was at home (I live with my mom...who works 2nd shift...and her fiance who's had several strokes and is disabled) and the phone rang. No biggie. I was upstairs in my room and I answer it. From the other end comes a female voice that says:

"Tell not to come over here and bug me anymore..." at which point he picks up the phone and I hang up after telling him " it's for you".

So, I sit down and wonder what the hell that was all about. I get upset and have a bad feeling in my stomach. He's screwed around on her before and I feel thats what this might be too, but I don't have enough info.

Ok...I need to back up a bit. He rarely talks to me during the week. Mom's gone and he's there all day and then I get home at 4:30 ish and then I say hello to him and he says nothing to me. He'll only talk to me when mom's around or if the dog needs to go out or whatever.

So I go downstairs and ask him what the hell that phone call was. He said it was his son's friend who thought he was single and wanted to start something with him. (Immediately I think he's lying...gut feeling).

Anyway, I went over to a friend's to hang out for a bit and when I returned home mom's fiance was all talkative to me and then tells me "Let's just forget that call ever happened. Don't tell your mother about it because she gets pissed off at me enough as it is."

Which, after thinking about it for a while, I realize is an admission of guilt or at least that's how I see it.

I know I need to tell my mom, but how? If I don't tell her, it will eat me up...if I do...it will eat her up...but she needs to know and I know that, but shit, what a bunch of bullshit.

Wish me strength and luck. I'm telling her after I get done with work today.

Me...about age 3

2005-11-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

I love this autumn photo of myself. My auntie took this of me. :)

Kid Pics

2005-11-02T12:49:00.000-08:00

Me and my brother (he's wearing his "Cheerio's" pants), about 1981

Grandpa's cows, me & my Mrs. Beasley doll, about 1978

Me and Grandma, about 1975

Me and Mom, about 1975

Me and my cousin Steph, about 1984

Fun thing to do at work...

2005-11-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

...is answer your phone saying "Hola" instead of hello and if you can fake it long enough people start to wonder if they got the right person.

(I just did that...was great fun...)

Phone Rings

Me: Hola

S.D.: Hi. What, can't you answer the phone in English anymore?

Me: No.

S.D.: I'm calling about this invoice, is it ok to pay it?

Me: Si.

S.D.: What?

Me: Si.

S.D.: Is that a yes?

Me: Yes...Si!

S.D.: You're strange.

Me: Un poquito.

S.D.: Ok then, goodbye.

Me: Adios!

(laughter from both)

My Boots

2005-11-02T11:07:00.000-08:00

Isn't amazing how something so silly as a pair of boots can make you feel powerful and important? These are those boots that do that for me (I'm wearing them today).

Sick of Me

2005-11-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

I used to think that this song was perfect for me...but now I'm not so sure. I heard it on a mix cd that I was listening to today and remembered how I used to think it was the epitome of me.

how sick of me
must you be
by now
while you're standing just outside
of what your pride will allow
always reaching into yourself
to find a new way to understand me
when i'm sure that there's no one else
in the world
who could withstand me

the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear

i took to the stage
with my outrage
in the bad old days
when you were the make-me-mad guy
but the songs
they come out more slowly
now that i am the bad guy
and i say, i'm sorry i'm so crazy
I am astounded by your patience
and you say, believe it or not, baby
the joy you bring me
still outweighs it

the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters

and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear

how sick of me
must you be
by now?

My Seduction Style

2005-11-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.

You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.

Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

My Power Color Is...

2005-11-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

Your Power Color Is Teal

At Your Highest:

You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future.

At Your Lowest:

You feel in a slump and lack creativity.

In Love:

You tend to be many people's ideal partner.

How You're Attractive:

You make people feel confident and accepted.

Your Eternal Question:

"What Impression Am I Giving?"

What's Your Power Color?

What Kind of Food are You?

2005-11-02T08:37:00.000-08:00

You Are Italian Food

Comforting yet overwhelming.
People love you, but sometimes you're just too much.

What Kind of Food Are You?

I'm having one of those days...

2005-11-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

...where I could eat my way through anything that came my way.

Probably has something to do with not feeling the greatest the last two days. I was going to save my popcorn for this afternoon...but...ummm...might not happen.

Sometimes I wonder...

2005-11-02T07:24:00.000-08:00

...would life have been different if I had a different father.

I'm not saying he's the worst guy in the world...or the best either...he just is who he is.

He doesn't know who I am. He never listens when I speak, yet, guilt trips me into calling him and when I say the phone works both ways...he is silent. I see him maybe twice a year...on Christmas and either his birthday or mine.

Growing up, he would make me "wait for a commercial" to show him what I did at school that day. After I while, I just stopped bothering him.

I remember having "big events" (at least to me) at school that I wanted him to come to...but...he rarely did. Star Trek, hell, television in general, was more important than I was to him...at least that's how I saw it.

He has become plastic. Everything is superficial. And I think of him often, but yet, I don't even know his freaking phone number anymore. They changed it a while back and never let me know.

Yet, I love him. And always will. But, it's a strange form of love. It's an "I have to love you because we're related" love. I know he has issues...anger issues, depression, childhood issues...but if you don't do anything about them, they won't get fixed. He always said he'd do something about it...

So, is this why I've had continual trouble with relationships? Because the lack of a supportive father...or just...lack of father...no, I can't blame him. I need to take responsibility for my own actions...but yet, I still sometimes wonder.

Last I heard from him, he and the step-monster were going to buy a trailer thing to travel around in during the winter and come back to WI in the summer.

I want to sit down and write him a letter and tell him who I've become. Would he be proud of me? Do I NEED his approval?

No.

I just need to know that I'm a good person even though, in my mind, I only have one parent.

What type of eyes do I have?

2005-11-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

RAVEN EYES

You have Raven
Eyes!
Positive Traits: Intellectual,
Wise, Experienced, Honest,
Trustworthy
Negative Traits: Pompous,
Condescending, Withdrawn, Pessimistic,
Depressed

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Today I feel...

2005-11-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

...sexy.

Really, I do. I can't quite explain it. Because I feel like someone ran me over too (recovering from the flu or whatever you want to call this sour stomach, headachey, body aching thing).

I'm wearing my favorite black shirt (mom made it for me about 10 years ago) which I always think is very becoming on me. My dark blue jeans and my black boots. I'm feeling just sexy.

Maybe I have a fever and am delusional. (nah, it's just me)

And in mentioning delusional I think of a conversation I had with Jason this weekend. He still thinks I'm a stalker. (Ok, so yeah, I had the police liasion officer at work run his plates to check him out for me, when I had a crush on him in the very beginning...but I think that just makes me safe and not a "stalker" and I looked him up on the WI Circuit Court access page online...but that's just being safe too) However a few of the movies I took to his house to rent had the "stalker" element in them and so there was much teasing about me being a stalker etc. (Movies: America's Sweethearts and Dummy).

I am NOT a stalker. Stalker = mean (in my head) and I don't think I could ever be mean to someone I like.

Sometimes all I want to say...

2005-11-01T10:38:00.000-08:00

...is that I want to show you guys photos. Here are some...

Shadow and Pogo. These cats will be 19 in May. I saw them being born...they are my babies! (and yes...Shadow only has one eye. She was in some sort of accident...we don't know what...she was gone for over a week and came back with a VERY icky looking eye. The vet did what they could but wound up having to remove it.)

A close-up of my brother's eye. Pretty isn't it?

Mitzi, our calico cutie who is in love with the 18 1/2 year old Pogo. She follows him where he goes and snuggles up with him when he's sleeping.

Mom's hibiscus plant(with me in front for showing the size of it)!

Halloween Party

2005-11-01T10:34:00.000-08:00

This is a photo of me as a fairy with Mario (aka...Charlie Brown) from my Friday Halloween Party.

Did you see the last post?

2005-10-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

Ok...if you didn't look at the photo. The second witch from the left. Now look at my profile photo on the right hand side of the page. Yeah...umm...that would be me with my head tipped at almost the exact angle as the lady in the witch photo. Maybe it IS me. (giggle)

The Coven

2005-10-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

I have 3 really close gurlie friends. When we get together we call ourselves "the coven" (because we can be "witchy" once in a while) Anyway so we call our get together's "Coven Meetings" and the other day one of the gurlies sent me the following photo...this is supposed to represent us.

(how cute...I guess I'm the second from the left...)

Today I...

2005-10-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

1. Woke up late, scrambled to get to work...was 1/2 hour late. But it was the first night this week I actually got good sleep so I didn't feel so bad about it.

2. My body temperature has been fluctuating. One minute I'm freezing, the next I'm ripping my socks off and declaring that my office is a sauna.

3. I've tried 3 times to kill the stupid fly that keeps buzzing around my office and I keep missing.

4. Need to finish my Halloween costume. Need to get ballet slippers for my feet, tights for my legs and elastic for my wings.

5. I made a present for Jason. (but I can't say here what it is in case he's reading this, because it's a surprise)

6. Downloaded the song My Last Name by Dierks Bentley because Jason said it's a very good song, one that he likes a lot and reminds him of himself. (so I get to the last lines and it says, "So darlin if you're wonderin, why I've got you here tonight
I wanna be your husband, I want you to be my wife Ain't got much to give you, but what I've got means everything. It's my last name." Which proceeded to make me smile hugely.

7. Made coffee in the coffee maker in my office for the first time in over a year (because I was late and wanted coffee, but didn't have time to stop).

8. Get to leave work at 3, instead of 4. Even coming in late I get to do this. I feel special.

9. Drank all the water I should.

10. Am not very fond of my hair. It looks very straight and boring to me.

Quiz

2005-10-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

These are supposedly 26 questions that no one would ever think to ask.

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? My eyes
2. How much cash do you have on you? $12.00 and some odd change that probably makes the grand total closer to $14.00.
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? breast
4. Favorite flower? tulips, dasies
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Jackie
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? "Hollaback Girl" - Gwen Stephani
7. What shirt are you wearing? Moss green courdeory
8. Do you "label" yourself? I have a lot of labels, all of them start with "Do not remove by penalty of law..."
9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing? Birkenstock
10. Bright or Dark Room? Depends on my mood
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? never met her...but read her blog
12. Ever "spilled the beans"? Yes
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? sleeping
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? hey prudence, where are you?
15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? sometimes you just have to see if you can swat the fly, punch the kangaroo...etc.
16. What's a saying that you say a lot? Oh, did I say that out loud?
17. Who told you they loved you last? Jackie
18. Last furry thing you touched? my cat
19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past Three Days? Only caffeine
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? About 6
21. Favorite age you have been so far? 28
22. Your worst enemy? Don't know
23. What is your current desktop picture? Door County
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? I'll be there in 5 minutes
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret? I'd take the money...we have to have major regrets to learn
26. Do you love / like someone? Yes...lots of people.

You're My Home

2005-10-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

This song keeps going through my head. Billy Joel knows how to say exactly how I feel.

You're My Home - Billy Joel

When you look into my eyes
and you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
it alwasy comes as a surprise
when I feel my withered roots begin to grow.

Well I never had a place
that I could call my very own
but that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

When you touch my weary head
and you tell me everything will be alright.
You say use my body for your bed
and my love will keep you warm throughout the night.

Well I'll never be a stranger
and I'll never be alone
wherever we're together
that's my home.

Home could be the Pennsylvania turnpike
Indiana's early morning dew
hight up in the hills of California
home is just another word for you.

Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
byt that's all right my love
cuz you're my home.

If I travel all my life
and I never get to stop and settle down
long as I have you by my side
there's a roof above and good walls around.
You're my castle, you're my cabin
and my instant pleasure dome.
I need you in my house
cuz you're my home...
you're my home.

Confessions

2005-10-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

(Idea from this post stolen from Valancy. Anyway...

1. I have purchased cologne, more than once, just so I could smell the smell of the man I love. I've done this 3 times and only told one of them. 2 of them I'm friends with still...the other...I'm dating.

2. I sometimes have dreams (at night) that really do come true.

3. I love my eyes and lips. Like I have a fascination with them. I love them...think they're the sexiest thing about me.

4. I had a co-worker who I had an incredible connection with. When we'd talk and look each other in the eye, it would almost make me nauseous because of the intense electricity, or whatever it was, between us. He was 15 years my senior and I had a crazy bad crush on him. I will never forget him.

5. I have a fascination with feet. (I'm a Pisces for God sakes!)

6. I want to be a model for a nude painting, but want it to be someone that knows me painting me.

7. I very often during the full moon sit in the moonlight and fall asleep watching the moon.

8. I know my soul mate. He lives in Seattle and is gay.

9. Halloween will ALWAYS be my favorite holiday. When else can you dress up, act like a kid and get totally away with it? (well...I've done it other times too...but Halloween is the best)

10. I still believe that I'll be a famous singer someday and really get to meet and sing with Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel. I have some rockin' 3rd part harmonies for some of their songs.

Powers of persuasion

2005-10-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

In the last 10 minutes I've persuaded 3 people to dress up for work with me on Monday for Halloween. :) I'm so excited! I love dressing up!

Goofy friends

2005-10-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

What would I do without my crazy, goofy friends? Last night Mario told me the following during our phone conversation as he was driving back to WI from Ohio:

1. He claims to have written the "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't" commercial jingle. (I don't believe him)

2. He also invented the chocolate + peanut butter combination. (I really don't believe him)

3. Said he'd like to go to a farm and try out the milking machines (I told him I didn't want to know)

4. Said that he's never seen cows mating on television. His reasoning as to why, because we eat cows and why would we want to see them going at it.

5. That his statement "eww...this tastes like bus" (in describing something that tastes bad) was actually taken from a movie and his brother started the whole thing.

6. He suggested to me that I start using the phrase "I've got a whole bucket full of stuff to do" instead of saying I've got a lot to do.

7. He's still claiming to have co-written the song "On The Road Again" with Willie Nelson.

8. He will NOT ever say "super size me" or "biggie size me" or anything that might make a statement about his height.

9. He has taken a Dr. Seuss book, opened it up to a random page, and written a song from the first line that he reads.

10. He reads the back of semi's as he's driving. Tyson was one he read while on the phone and driving last night. "Tyson...feeds you like family" He said "if that's so, I'm going to hijack this truck, tell them to fill up my Subaru because my family doesn't make me pay for my food...therefore, Tyson would be feeding me like family". (I told him, it might not be a good idea for him to hijack a truck this close to a pre-planned event with me - Halloween Party Friday - because I wasn't going to bail his ass out of jail to come to the party and I'd be upset if he missed it...so he'd "better not".)

The Painting - "Soweto, South Africa"

2005-10-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

Finally finished!

2005-10-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

After about 7 hours of work together (me and Daithi) and about 23 on my own we got his art book done last night! Hooray!

My part...I'm the publisher. Can you believe that? I'm listed as the freakin publisher on the book. Sweet! Nice thing for a resume eh? He's going to distribute these books all over. United States & Europe.

Anyway...in payment for helping him, he gave me one of his paintings. It's one both my mother and I love. He painted it after he got back from Soweto, South Africa. Anyway, my mother's birthday is Wed. so I'm giving it to her. She'll be SO excited and surprised.

Anyway...a lot of work, but it's great and I can't wait to see the finished product!

Pet Peeves of today

2005-10-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

1. Ok, I don't mind kids using the training room down here, but you'd think the teacher would keep them at least to a dull roar instead of with doors closed being able to hear whole conversations.

2. People that ask you questions and want you to do something as a result of your answer...and after you answer, they don't respond.

3. People coming in my office and trying to talk to me as I'm on the phone.

Daydreaming

2005-10-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

I have been daydreaming a lot lately. I find myself staring off into space and thinking about things. I don't know how to stop this. It's getting bad. I mean, the daydreams are good, but I can't stop daydreaming.

Maybe I'll blame it on Jason. They're all about him anyway. :)

Phone message of "Twitterpation"

2005-10-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

This was an actual message from Jason:

Hey there! Sorry I couldn't get a hold of you today. I guess you were busy and so was I. That doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you. As a matter of fact I was thinking about you quite a bit. And one of the things I've been thinking about is you're somebody I could definately see a long future with. So just thought I would brighten your day by giving you this message and hopefully I'll be talking to you soon. Don't have too much fun without me. Bye.

Ok...now wouldn't you feel a bit "twitterpated" after hearing that message?!?!

Faces...

2005-10-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked at someone's face. I mean REALLY looked at it? And when you REALLY look at it you feel like you've seen it before. And I don't mean just like oh yeah, I just looked at you type seen it before, but a I've known this face forever feeling?

Am I making sense?

I had that feeling yesterday when looking at Jason. Maybe in a past life we knew each other, or were together.

Anyway...he's so familiar to me that sometimes it's spooky. But I like it too.

I smile when...

2005-10-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

1. My phone rings and the song that's playing is "Angel"
2. I get hugged.
3. After Jason gives me one of his electric kisses. (sometimes before too)
4. I pet my cat.
5. I see beautiful fall colors.
6. I see my friends.
7. I daydream.
8. I listen to my saved voicemails.
9. I hear kids laugh.
10. Knowing that I'm falling in love.

Bad news

2005-10-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

I just found out that our old Curriculum Director has cancer. It's in the lining of the majority of his organs. He's in stage 4.

Now, this hits me hard, because he was like a father to me. He retired last year and now...well...he's dying.

When he was still working here he'd joke around with us on a regular basis. We had a "lunch crew" that would always eat lunch together. It was all women except for him...and he could handle it. He'd keep us in check on our bad days and make us laugh always. We played practical jokes on a daily basis (someone always was "missing" their desk chair).

He would utter such phrases as:

"Hey, when are they going to have chicken fajitas (pronounced faa jite ahhs) on the menu."

"FYI minus the I" (i.e. F*#k you)

"THE DUBYA DUBYA DUBYA STILL AIN'T WORKIN'" (means the Internet is down)

"BFD"

"Speak to my slovenly and mouthy secretary. She should know better than to inconvenience or offend the techno-Nazis."

He always would comment when I'd send out the "I have an appointment and won't be in" email, things such as "when are you due?" etc.

I hope he's comfortable.

Jason & I

2005-10-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

This here photo is from almost a year ago (before I started losing weight) when he came with me to the Big Brothers Big Sisters Volunteer Appreciation Banquet. It's funny how in about a year things can turn around and you can get back in contact/together with someone you thought you'd never have a chance with ever again.

I've been tagged by Valancy...

2005-10-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

10 years ago: I was 21. Wild and crazy. Living in Oshkosh with friends. The world was mine.

5 years ago: Just recently un-engaged and wondering if I would find Mr. Right.

1 year ago: I came to several realizations about my friends. There are those that are there for you always and those that are there for you sometimes. I went and saw Simon and Garfunkel in concert.

Yesterday: I played my guitar and talked to a good friend on the phone.

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Cheddar Cheese Rice Cakes
2. Doritos
3. Crackers and Cheese
4. Baby Carrots
5. Toast with peanut butter

5 songs I know the words to:
1. In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel
2. Lunchbox – Mario Noche (yeah, my friend)
3. In My Dreams – Crosby, Stills and Nash
4. Autumn Leaves – Rickie Lee Jones
5. Hotel California – The Eagles

5 things I'd do with £100 million:
1. Buy a house
2. Help all my friends & family with their debt
3. Give a bunch of money to AIDS research (and other charities)
4. Take a LONG trip to all the places I’ve ever wanted to go including San Fransicso, Australia, Japan and Paris
5. Take my closest friends out for a “week on the town” all expenses paid.

5 places I'd run away to:
1. Door County
2. The studio
3. The park in Oshkosh
4. A friend’s house
5. Any wooded area where I can hike and be at peace with myself.

5 things I'd never wear:
1. The first thing that comes to mind is some things that you might find at an “adult” store.
2. Pink (any item of clothing in pink would be out for me…forever…it would have to be solid pink however…not a print with pink in it, because I might wear that.)
3. A bikini (unless I lose all the weight I want, that’ll NEVER happen)
4. A thong (if I wanted my underwear up my butt, I’d put them there)
5.Tube top (umm…I have to wear a bra…not an option)

5 biggest joys:
1. Knowing how important I am to my friends.
2. Cuddling with my cat.
3. Hugs & Kisses.
4. Surprises.
5. Getting letters in the mail.

5 favourite toys: (I’m putting down ones I have now)
1. All my silly putty from www.puttyworld.com .
2. My nose pencil sharpener.
3. My guitar.
4. Battleship…the old version.
5. My wooden massagers (I don’t use them much for massaging, they’re really fun to roll across silly putty, etc.)

What is cool at my place:
1. My guitars.
2. My small collection of cork sculptures.
3. My cat.
4. My art collection (all from friends)
5. My show posters (from various show’s I’ve played)

During my drive today...

2005-10-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

...this is what I saw (note: in one of the photos you can see my stuffed animal egg's reflection in the windshield. Yes...I have a stuffed animal egg that rides in my car with me. Her name, Tapioca)

Jeans

2005-10-18T12:21:00.001-07:00

These are my favorite jeans...
Levi Strauss, Misses, Midrise, Bootcut, Indigo, Stretch

Yummy cozy comfy jeans!!!

Me...Today

2005-10-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

I feel a bit crabby today. Not sure why. Maybe just woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. Maybe it's because I'm so swamped at work. Maybe it's because I'm thinking too much and questioning myself again.

Maybe it's because I've been thinking about this coming Saturday. I'm going to see all four gurlies for the first time all together since last Christmas. There's a lot of emotions tied up in it all. Mostly issues with lack of or non-existance of communication from some of them. I don't know...I know it'll be fun, but it will start out strange, I'm sure. We all used to be "tight". We'd see each other at least once a month all together. Now it's more like once a year and it takes 6 months to plan one stinking get together. We're all supposed to bring stuff to share...I've got a ton...a lot can happen in one year.

The other thing is that I've been feeling very old lately. And I fear that I won't get the things in my life that I want to (kids, marriage...). I tell people this and they say "you're young, don't worry about it". But I do. What if it DOESN'T happen?!?! I want true love. I want my soul mate. I want that person who will support me and love me and let me do the same back. I want someone who enjoys and wants kids as much as I do.

The drive in the morning to work is too long sometimes. I cried on the way in thinking about all this stuff. I shouldn't do this to myself.

Past entries

2005-10-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to re-read what I wrote previouslly. I read an entry about Robin today and it just made me want to puke.

Sometimes things aren't really what they seem. They pose themselves in some brilliant flashy colors to grab your attention and then as soon as you're alone they take them off and show you the drab underneath.

I'm not saying that all men are like that. That they fish until you're hooked and then let you swim along hooked to the string for a while...but when someone says one thing and does another...that irritates me.

Anyway...I'm happy right now...but my stomach turned when I re-read the post and realized that he was full of shit.

Sweetest Day

2005-10-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

Jason and I went hiking on Sweetest Day (Saturday). We had a blast. In the evening we went to a park in Oshkosh to watch the moon rise and during our gazing at it over the lake the wolves in the park started to howl...and when they stopped a Great Horned Owl chimed in...and then there was a raccoon too. It was a beautiful day and we laughed, and talked and even snuggled a bit. Our conversations are good...real...we've both done some self-growing up since we last hung out. I smile thinking about him. We have always wanted the same things...but just couldn't get our "poop in a group" as I'd like to say. He's a beautiful man and I appreciate him. I hope he feels the same way about me.

I like it when he jokes with me. Our little comments that we lovingly throw at each other make me happy. For instance he said something along the lines of "well, it's not like I just picked you up at a gas station or something". (which is very funny because I met him at a gas station)

Frida Kahlo

2005-10-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

One of my all time favorite artists. (information from http://members.aol.com/fridanet/fridabio.htm)

Frida's life began and ended in Mexico City, in her home known as the Blue House.She gave her birthdate as July 7,1910, but her birth certificate shows July 6,1907. This is just one of the many lies Frida told about her life.

At age 6, Frida was stricken with polio, which caused her right leg to appear much thinner than the other. It was to remain that way permanently.

When Frida entered high school she was a tomboy full of mischief who became the ringleader of a rebellious group of mainly boys that continually caused trouble in the National Preparatory School. This group pulled many pranks , mainly on professors. It was also in the National Preparitory School that Frida first came in contact with her future husband, the famous Mexican muralist, Diego Rivera. He was commissioned to paint a mural in the school's auditorium.

On September 17, 1925, at about age 18, Frida Kahlo was involved in a serious bus accident which left her with a broken spinal column, a broken collarbone, broken ribs, a broken pelvis, and 11 fractures in her right leg. In addition her right foot was dislocated and crushed, and her shoulder was out of joint. For a month, Frida was forced to stay flat on her back, encased in a plaster cast and enclosed in a boxlike structure.

Frida's enormous strength and will to live allowed her to survive and make a remarkable recovery. She began painting shortly after the accident because she was bored in bed. This became her lifelong profession.

Although Frida's recovery was miraculous (she regained her ability to walk), she did have relapses of tremendous pain and fatigue all throughout her life, which caused her to be hospitalized for long periods of time, bedridden at times, and also caused her to undergo numerous operations. She once joked that she held the record for the most operations. Frida underwent about 30 in her lifetime. She also turned to alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes to ease the pain of her physical suffering.

Once she was out and about after her accident, a close friend introduced Frida to the artistic crowd of Mexico, which included Tina Modotti (well known photographer,actress, and communist) and Diego Rivera.

Diego and Frida were married on August 21,1929. Their marriage consisted of love, affairs with other people, creative bonding, hate, and a divorce in 1940 that lasted only for one year. Their marriage has been called the union between an elephant and a dove, because Diego was huge and very fat, and Frida was small (a little over 5 feet) and slender. Below is a picture of Diego Rivera.

Despite Diego's affairs with other women (one was with Frida's sister), he helped in many ways. He suggested to Frida that she should begin wearing the traditional Mexican clothing, which consisted of long, colorful dresses and exotic jewelry. This, along with Frida's thick, connecting eyebrows, became her trademark. He also loved her work and was her greatest admirer. Frida, in turn, was Diego's most trusted critic, and the love of his life.

Frida let out all of her emotions on a canvas. She painted her anger and hurt over her stormy marriage, the painful miscarriages, and the physical suffering she underwent because of the accident.

Frida, despite all of the hurt in her life, was an outgoing person whose vocabulary was filled with 4 letter words. She loved to drink tequila and sing off color songs to guests at the crazy parties she hosted. She loved telling dirty jokes and shocking everyone around her. Frida amazed people with her beauty and everywhere she went, people stopped in their tracks to stare in wonder. Men were fascinated with her, and because of this Frida had numerous, scandal filled affairs.

One affair was with the Communist leader, Leon Trotsky. It began when he was a guest at her home along with his wife. Frida was later arrested for his murder, but was let go. Diego was also under suspicion for the murder, but he was let go as well. Several years after Trotsky's death, Diego and Frida enjoyed telling people that they invited him to Mexico just to get him killed, but no one knows if they were telling the truth or not. They were fantastic story tellers.

Frida also was a bisexual and had affairs with many women.

All over the world, people loved Frida. When she went to France, she was wined and dined by Picasso, and appeared on the cover of the french Vogue. In America, people loved her beauty and her work. In Mexico, her homeland, she had many great admirers.

Frida only had one exhibition in Mexico and it was in the spring of 1953. Frida's health was very bad at this time and doctors told her not to attend. Minutes after guests were allowed into the gallery, sirens were heard outside. The crowd went crazy for outside there was an ambulance accompanied by a motorcycle escort. Frida Kahlo was being carried from it into her exhibition on a hospital stretcher! The photographers and reporters were shocked. She was placed in her bed in the middle of the gallery. The mob of people went to greet her. Frida told jokes, entertained the crowd, sang, and drank the whole evening. The exhibition was an amazing success.

During the same year as her exhibition, Frida had to have her right leg amputated below the knee due to a gangrene infection. This caused her to become deeply depressed and suicidal.

She attempted suicide a couple of times. On July 13, 1954, Frida died. No official autopsy was done. Suicide is rumored. Her last words in her diary read "I hope the leaving is joyful and I hope never to return".

To see paintings of Frida's go to: http://www.artcyclopedia.com/artists/kahlo_frida.html

What Musical Are You?

2005-10-14T05:51:00.000-07:00

Take the quiz: "What Musical Are You?"

Rent
You're Rent! The best musical in the world! You're wild, crazy, and a little unorthodox. You live life to the fullest because there is no day but today.

Photos I've taken...

2005-10-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

...that make me happy!

My kitty cat...Tiger or also known as "Keela Weela"

A daisy in the yard this summer.
The fish market at Pike's Market in Seattle

An angel statue from a local cemetary.

Sunflowers at a fresh floral market in Philadelphia.

Eyes

2005-10-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

Ok...so I found this on Valancy's blog, took the quiz, and amazingly...we are the same.

Take the quiz: "What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)"

Eden
You have eden eyes. Eden is the color of water. Your eyes symbolize your great flexibility. You are a creative person. You can think of many good ways to get your point across to people as you have very good communication abilities. When someone feels down or is hurt, you have the remarkable ability to help them and heal them. If you have too little going on in your life, you may be withdrawn and depressed, timid, manipulative, unreliable, stubborn, or suspicious. Some words to describe you: peaceful, sincere, affectionate, tranquil, intuitive, trustworthy, pure, loyal, healing, and stable.

In my head...

2005-10-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

1. Everyone likes me.
2. I make up conversations with people and then think I acutally had the conversations.
3. All men, that I want to, think I'm hot.
4. I am a mystical musical majestic being.
5. I escape.
6. I travel to many places.
7. I have visions of the future (it's funny when I think of something and it actually happens!!!)
8. I have a brain. (ok, had to add that)
9. I am intelligent, powerful, a "can do anything" woman.
10. I dream of fantastical romance.

And his email said...

2005-10-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

Another crazy day, not much time to check emails, sorry! I am like a giant ball of emotions today, don't know why, just a lot weighing on my mind. But despite all of this, I came home, checked my mail, and instantly smiled and felt like things were going to be ok. Got your letter. It made my day!!!!! And to smell your perfume again, hhmmmmm, if you were here I would pounce on you!

I hate coming home to an empty home! Especially today! I don't think my soul was meant to be alone. Like when you were a kid, it was winter time, you were walking past homes and you saw a family all together, laughing, in a nice warm house. It made you smile, want to run home in a hurry. I want that! I'm tired of being the one on the outside looking in! I would not make a good hermit!!!!!

xoxo

Photos of me

2005-10-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

Ok...I'm not obsessed with myself or anything, I'm just obsessed with taking the perfect self-portrait. (hence the reason I carry my digital camera everywhere I go) These are in car/at work photos from today.

Signs point to YES

2005-10-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I had a 3 hour conversation with this fellow from my recent past last night.

Both of us have had recent similar experiences. His girlfriend went back to her ex...as did mine. We both have run across things from when we were dating...me, a ticket stub from the movie we went to see and the dried roses he gave me...he ran across the letters I gave him and read every last one and a t-shirt from a motorcycle ride we went on for MDA.

It's funny how a little bit of communication problem ended what we both thought was a good thing. So, we're going on a date. Saturday.

I told him that I still wasn't totally over Robin, but that didn't mean that we couldn't hang out and get our friendship building again.

Now, my friend Sue told me to save dried roses was bad luck and would keep "love from my door". I threw all of them out this past Saturday. Saturday night, Jason emailed me...and then our conversation last night.

We'll see. I'm not going to hold my breath...but we want the same things...and if it works out...that would be great, but right now I need to get over one thing before I go jumping into something else...which I told him...and he agrees.

Unbelieveable.

December Show Posters

2005-10-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

Ok...so I'm getting a little ahead of schedule, but Mario and I have a show in Dec. at the coffee shop. So, I want to have several different, very unique posters to hang about the area. These are the two I have so far.

Poem

2005-10-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

Unending Love - Rabindranath Tagore

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms,
numberless times,
In life after life,
in age after age forever.
My spell-bound heart has made
and re-made the necklace of songs
That you take as a gift,
wear round your neck in your many forms
In life after life, in age after age forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love,
its age-old pain,
Its ancient tale of being apart or together,
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge
Clad in the light of a pole-star
piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream
that brings from the fount
At the heart of time love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers,
shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting,
the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you,
The love of all man's days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life,
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours-
And the songs of every poet past and forever.

This morning

2005-10-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

Just a few photos:

This is me driving to work. I took these while I was driving (probably not the greatest idea).

The clouds on my way to work were gorgeous this morning.

Work

2005-10-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, so my boss comes in this morning and reprimands me for stopping and talking for a brief moment with the lady at the front desk. She says, if I'm not at my desk at 7:30 on the dot that I need to stay and make up my time at the end of the day.

If it's really that big of an issue...why don't you just fucking fire me?

Basically it's to the point that anything that our secretary or I do, is being watched. I am no longer taking lunch breaks or my 2, 10 min. breaks that I'm "required" to take during the day. I'll eat lunch at my desk while working. I'll work straight through, talk to only the folks I have to, until I can find another job. I will keep track of every moment of my day and what I'm working on so when I do quit...I can give them an update as to what I do.

The technician...sends emails in the morning from whatever building he'll be at for the day. Somedays we don't even see him or can't get a hold of him. Yet...he can do that. I don't get it.

Let's see...my boyfriend broke up with me on Monday...Thursday I get reprimanded at work...what next?

Breasts

2005-10-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Ok...my friend is a photographer. She's doing a series of women's breasts in black and white and asked me to be a model. (I always say...I do just about anything for art! Last year I sat with plaster on my naked chest so her boyfriend could make a plaster casting of me and then did a fired clay art piece which wound up for me in the end anyway...)

So, my other friend is an artist. She wants our 4 gurlie group to get together and make a sort of Ya Ya sisterhood book or something.

The gurlie group (all three of us) are going to pose for our photographer friend for her breast photo thing.

So, I like doing collages and I email one to artist friend.

Artist friend says, you should get the first two pages of the book that we're going to do and do a collage.

I say, "Yeah. I'll need our boobie photos though. I'll make Boobhenge." (you know, like Stonehenge only with boobies)

My friends think I'm funny....I think.

Dream

2005-10-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

Mario continues to tell me when we talk in the evenings to have sweet dreams and dream of "laundromats with bright yellow shirts in the washing machines and me running around with guinnea pigs duct taped to my legs". I keep telling him that I never dream that exactlly but the below picture describes the dream last night. (giggle)

Have I ever told you I LOVE photoshop?

In response to your email saying I was a SPAZ

2005-10-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

Excuse me? Did you...just call me...a SPAZ? What?! I'm not sure why you would do that. It puzzles me. I must inqire my brain about it.

Prudence: Hello brain.
Prudence's Brain: Hello
Prudence: Why did T just call me a spaz?
Prudence's Brain: Because you are one.
Prudence: What IS a spaz?
Prudence's Brain: Look in the dictionary...and there will be your picture.
Prudence: Wha? I thought you were on my side, you know, being MY brain and all.
Prudence's Brain: Only the right side of me is on your side...the left is against you.
Prudence: Whatever.

(was my response back to T...via email)

This song says it all...

2005-10-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

asking too much - ani difranco

i want somebody who sees the pointlessness and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul some of the time
i want somebody who will either put out for me or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words and make me go,
you know i never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?

i want somebody who can hold my interest hold it and never let it go
someone who can flatten me with a kiss that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
if you hear me talking listen to what i'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar listen to what i'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words to all the silences i wrote
don't ask me to put words to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it do and you'll regret it
i'm tired of being the interesting one i'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line and i might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes and wait for me to surprise you
i want somebody who can make me scream until it's funny give me a run for my money
i want someone who can twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything what have you got?
i want someone who's not afraid of me or anyone else
in other words i want someone who's not afraid of themself

do you think i'm asking too much?

Quote of the day

2005-10-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

Today...this quote is helping me:

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profundity. Kindness in giving creates love..." - Lao Tse

Thank you...friends...for your multi-faceted kindness.

Right now I'm fighting off the urge to remove all Robin's photo's from my page here. I just don't want anything to do with him right now. My desk is free of his image and well...so is my website. Maybe I'll leave him here for posterity...since he was such a posterior. (giggle)

Square one

2005-10-04T06:18:00.000-07:00

Robin broke up with me last night. Didn't talk to him all weekend and then come to find out that he talked to his ex wife over the weekend and she still "loves him" and wants to get back together with him. So, he is going back to her.

I told him that if he felt that he wanted to be with her that he shouldn't have even involved me in the mix...that it wasn't fair to me.

So, I was the standby girl. The one who filled the spaces until the ex agreed to come back. Nice.

I'd say I'm devestated, but part of this is my own damn fault anyway for not realizing this sooner.

I told him that I hope things work for them...but if for some reason they don't and he decides to start a relationship with someone else to NOT do it until he's fully sure because it's not fair to the other person.

So...back to square one again.

Two of the greatest letters I ever got...

2005-09-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

(this was after telling BB that I was interested in someone...we had been dating and along came this guy who promised to sweep me off my feet...since then...I found differently, but this note I cherish with every beat of my heart...and the thing is...I still and will forever love this man)

Hi CG,

It was me who is selfish. It was me who didnt express my feelings due to my insecurities. I will always love you as a musician,friend,lover and confidant. But your dreams need to be nourished as well as mine. Your love was blinding because it was true. I never regret anything we have done except my love could not have the most important ingredient,commitment. You are a class act and I am a cheap dime store novel. You approached me at a stage of my life damaged,and murky. My life is commited to my art and music due to several years of giving it to another with fruitless results.

Then you came along. The kindest heart I have ever met. I didnt know how to react to such a soul like yours. For the longest time I never wanted to tarnish it. I was free of Kathy and I would regret it if I used you as a balm. I slowly enjoyed my freedom and wasnt ready to commit. You made me have second thoughts. For a time there I thought you were my last bastion of happiness,and you probably are. But I dont believe in fate,kismet or any preconceived destiny. I have shed the poetry because it got me in so much trouble. I have replaced it with truth with the poetry left in my life.

And the truth is love needs to be nourished. I never forced anything with you. Tho you must have seen my reluctance to open my heart,you must have seen the storm in my eyes,you must have seen the tears behind the laughter. I am anxiety self induced. I know you must have seen it because you are brilliant as well as beautiful.

I knew this day would come when someone will take you away,But if I lose you totally then I have lost a lot. I hope we still can get together. You know me the best and I can really talk to you.

I understand ,but of course I feel sad. If I didnt feel sad then what we had was shallow and would not recognize your beautiful grace. I will regret my lack of effort. I know I will.

I hope you will still want to sing with me now that you see how small I really am. Im kinda like the wizard of oz and the curtain has lifted. Im not going to be a cliche that "I am bad for you" or "oh its not you its me",or"You could do better than me" because I do feel for you, but you need a more clearer retrospect. You need to be happy. I still want to be part of your life if you would let me. These elecronic words cant match a face to face talk so if you want to a more human approach let me know.

I understand,because your dreams are just as important to me. I am not a possesive person and birds with brilliant colors cant be caged. It doesnt mean i am apathetic. Anyway,im just confusing the matter even when I try to simplify it. In other words" to love is to let go."

always in my heart
BB

(After me spilling my guts to BB after the breakup of the guy who I thought would sweep me off my feet...)

Hi gc

Never feel weird or anything freakishly preditorial when you persue your heart. I have been in a work tornado and i was going to wait till I have a clear moment to respond. I have said many times over that you have the truest and most brilliant heart I have ever met. This can also be blinding to people like me who is not worthy of you. I have made no promises to you that has any possibility to be broken. You dont deserve that cliche of broken promises. You deserve someone who can match your heart. I never doubt my love for you,I do doubt my own mental state so in a sense I am protecting you from me.I am going through so many neurotic identities (objectives,spiritual,convictions)mix that with my selfish way of working and you have a big mess. I wish last nights movie was a lesson that in all the chaos and mysteries of life love always prevails. If only my life can be so simple. You are like my breath of fresh air from all this mess and yes communication is essential.

You are a master of a dying art of listening. It is one of your gifts. I will not hide from your love because at times when the air is clear the feeling is mutual,but love without the commitment and care is half love. You know i know i am not the most qualified for that. It would be selfish when I want to make passionate love and then walk away. That would be like offering you the finest wine and giving you vinegar. There are times when i want to make love to you but your heart is so true it would be almost unholy to do such an act and not love you more. I will confide with you more later.

Then there is your dreams,your aspirations,your soul searching. Life give no simple answers and leaves us with the beauty of the search. Ironically the confusion that the heart instills upon us is also the fuel of the artist. Your dreams are just as important to me as well as mine. Nothing in this world makes me happier when people I love find their dreams.

So where do we stand? I dont know,I wish I could give you a clear and concise answer that would calm your weary heart. I do know I need you in my life and I am happy you are part of it. Please dont hate me for being ambiguous. It is not intentional. Do me this favor, keep on being yourself and never second guess your love. I know I havent answered much but you will never grow old regreting your true actions. I however am not that lucky. You have done nothing wrong it is my reaction that is the catalyst here. I would rather talk in person so I will call you.

love
bb

Pens & Stuff

2005-09-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

I'm very glad I'm not the only one in the world who has a sick fascination with writing utensils, especially black pens. (Thanks Benj)

He gave me one of his latest find last night...it's a Pilot Precise Grip with the Broad tip. I usually am a fan of fine pens or extra fine pens, but this one is yummy and juicy and writes very smoothly. I love it. I am also a fan of the Pilot VBall Grip Fine and Extra Fine and the colored UniBall Vision pens (fine). The multi-colored Sharpie's are pretty darn cool too...extra fine.

As for "stuff" I also have a sick fascination with some of the shows on television. For example "Breaking Bonaduce" on VH1 and "My Fair Brady" and "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV. It's mindless blathering, but yet, I find it remotely fascinating. I know...why do I watch this garbage? Well, for some reason I'm highly attracted to dumb tv shows, especially when I can't find anything better to watch. (and mind you, I can watch the weather channel for a VERY long time before going on to these silly shows).

The only thing better than liking these things, is finding a partner in liking these things. Benj...you're my hero.

New Beginning

2005-09-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I spend a long time with my friend Benj. He said the sweetest things to me. Made me very happy. Told me how much he appreciates me as a friend (even though I haven't made time for him lately). We've known each other for ages...sometimes I forget how important to me he is. But I told him how much I appreciate him last night. He's a dear.

Talked to Robin on my way home after seeing Ben. He didn't seem very interested in talking to me. I was polite and asked him about hunting, his day at work, etc. After his explanations on all I asked about, I then said with a sigh, what a day...which his response was "oh yeah, how was your day?". I'm tired of this all. I really am. If he doesn't want a relationship...he should just tell me or I'm outta there.

Had a dream about Mario last night. Intimate dream. He asked me to pose for him for a painting in the dream...nude...and of course, I did. And then...things happened from there.

I don't know what is going on...what to do...where to go...but I do know that I love my friends that can make me feel better by saying three little words...You Are Important.

I need to refresh the page I'm on and go forward. Enough of this stagnant air.